真题：剑桥8 Test2 小作文
The three pie charts below show the changes in annual spendingby a particular UK school in 1981, 1991 and 2001. Summarise the information byselecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
考生原文
Here are somepie charts about total school spending change in three different years (1981),(1991), and (2001).
Comparethese three diagrams, we can easily find out that Teacher’s salaries are alwaysthe biggest percentage overall. On the first chart, furniture & equipmentand insurance both have a very low percentage. After 10 years, teacher absorbeven more finance. Furniture & equipment only one third of itself ago.
Let’smove on to the second chart. Resources and insurance start to contain moremoney, and resources got it’s peak in these 30 years. Also teacher’s salariesclimbed to it’s (its) top, just half of the total spending (50%).
Finally,figure on the third chart is becoming more reasonable now. Maybe relay to therecycle of books, the cost of resources reduced a lot. People start to thinkinsurance is more and more important, and reach it’s maximum value 8%.
Duringthese years, the maintenance move from teachers and other staff to students. Tomake school a wonderland for students.
批改By 晟睿 葡萄
本次批改严格按照IELTS小作文评分标准进行。IELTS小作文评分项：
TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。
文末会进行总评及打分。
用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加
Here aresome pie charts about total schoolspending change in three different years(1981), (1991), and (2001).
（introduction中使用here are,较为口语和非正式，可改为：The pie chartsgive information about;时间表达方面，不需要每个年份单独一个括号，可改为in three different years(1981,1991and 2001)，也可以不罗列具体年份的数字）
Compare these three diagrams, we can easilyfind out thatTeacher’s salaries arealways the biggest percentage overall. （句首的表达不符合学术写作的正式用语，并且后面的时态有误，建议本句改为：It is clear thatteachers’ salaries had the biggest percentage of school spending in all thethree years.）On the first chart(不必对图形排序，应直接点出具体时间，改为：In 1981), furniture & equipmentand insurance bothhave(本篇主体陈述应为过去时态) a very low percentage. After 10years, teacher absorb evenmore finance（教师薪资作为支出项目，比重增长，不能理解为老师吸收更多资金，本句表达有误，可改为：teachers’salaries rose significantly）. Furniture & equipment only one third of itself ago.（本句缺少谓语动词，only不能直接放在主语后面，可改为：Money spent onfurniture and equipment was only 5%, one third of the proportion in 1981.）
Let’s move on to the second chart.（let’s是非正式用法，不适用，可直接写However, in 1991）Resources and insurance startto contain more money（表达上升趋势用词不当，可改为spending onresources increased noticeably to 20% while the cost of insurance slightly grewto 3%）,and resources got it’s peak（“达到高峰”正确表达：reached its peak）in these 30 years. Alsoteacher’s salaries climbed toit’s（its）top, just half of the totalspending (50%). （just这里缺少一个成分，导致句意不全。可改为：representing half of thetotal spending with 50%）
Finally,figure on the third chart isbecoming more reasonable now. Maybe relay to the recycle of books, the cost ofresources reduced a lot. People start to thinkinsuranceismore and more important, and reach it’s maximum value 8%.（本段多为主观猜测，偏离小作文的做题要求，对TA项得分造成较大问题。保险支出的描写，建议：Insurance costexperienced a consistent growth, reaching 8% in 2001.）
Duringthese years, the maintenance（本题没有这一叫法，所指不明）move from teachers andother staff to students. Tomake school a wonderland for students.（主观猜测，同上）
总评分
4.5分（ TA4.5 CC5.0 GRA4.5 LR4.5）
1. 内容上虽有对各项支出的提及，但整体较为凌乱，不能很好反映出本动态图的特征，而且添加了主观猜测，和小作文的题目要求不符
2. 全文结构完整，段落之间层次分明，但是按照时间来分段，在陈述上会有一定内容重复，不是很简洁
3. 数据表达较少，动态描写不够到位
4. 用词不当（典型的有value、its和it’s的混淆、contain、absorb）以及语法错误（比如动词时态）频繁，影响表达效果
考官范文
The charts show how much a UK school spent on differentrunning costs in three separate years: 1981, 1991 and 2001.
In all three years, the greatest expenditure was onstaff salaries. But while other workers’ salaries saw a fall from 28% in 1981to only 15% of spending in 2001, teachers’ pay remained the biggest cost,reaching 50% of total spending in 1991 and ending at 45% in 2001.
Expenditure on resources such as books had increased to20% by 1991 before decreasing to only 9% by the end of the period. In contrast,the cost of furniture and equipment saw an opposite trend. This cost decreasedto only 5% of total expenditure in 1991 but rose dramatically in 2001 when itrepresented 23% of the school budget. Similarly, the cost of insurance saw arising trend, growing from only 2% to 8% by 2001.
Overall, teachers’ salaries constituted the largestcost to the school, and while spending increased dramatically for equipment andinsurance, there were corresponding drops in expenditure on things such asbooks and on other workers’ salaries.
（范文来源：剑桥8考官范文）
福利：扫码加关注，领取《3月雅思写作预测》
扫码加关注“晟睿学习小助手”领取福利
【雅思预测题】最新3月雅思写作预测题已更新！
备考小秘籍
【雅思口语万能回答法】2月烤鸭口语通关神器
【高分秘诀】雅思写作必备套句式及词汇汇总
【江江老师】雅思备考策略③-写作部分
【 更多微信福利】
① 2017年第一季度雅思口语话题预测
② 2017年3月雅思作文预测
③ 雅思官方口语题库（含Part 1& Part 2）
④ 百部经典英文原版小说（电子版）
⑤ 雅思写作必备套句式及词汇汇总
⑥ 雅思阅读必备3000 词汇（含570个学术单词）
⑦ 2048口语高频单词（含音频）
扫码加关注“晟睿学习小助手”领取福利
原文链接：https://www.sunrayedu.com/ielts-writing/2099.html
关注“上海小音托雅学习中心“，了解更多托福雅思考试资讯&出国留学备考策略！
晟睿教育 https://www.sunrayedu.com
专注于留学考试培训丨高端·定制·趣学
标签： #英语作文简单范文
